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  • Writer's pictureVictoria Quinn

"What I have to offer is the experience of me."

Rose-Colored Lenses (a Self-Reflection Series)


What I have to offer is the experience of me.


People tend to need me only once I’ve left their lives. Sometimes it feels like a curse to be me. It may just be in my nature.


I bring fantasy to reality, and then run away before it engulfs me. These fantasies aren’t my own, they're what I perceive the other person to want. But I get tired living in servitude. And I start to lose my vision when I stare too long into a perspective that’s not my own. Our servitude is for us just as much as everyone else.


The energy that leaks out of me, I bring it back within. Like money, I spend it sparingly. What experiences deserve it?


A warm and friendly waiter invited me to his breakfast place, and I chose another restaurant with a half-hearted, emotionless waitress, aiming to cleanse the body with tomato and pineapple juice. The pineapple juice wasn’t natural, and I didn’t ask beforehand. She told me later that she has no tomato juice. I asked to use her Wi-Fi a couple times, and she said yes but didn't provide the password. My intuition chose the friendly waiter’s place. It’s still enjoyable to learn from unpleasant experiences, though. It's a just a choice made. I'll go to the other place another day. I was able to see the waitress smile a few times later on.


Most of us avoid situations of unpleasantness and discomfort. We would love for life to be easy, wouldn’t we?


I did yoga, breathing exercises, and meditation at the beach this morning around 7am, then dipped into the ocean after, both intimidated and exhilarated by the large waves coming towards me. I dove under the large waves and opened my eyes in the water. It reminds me now of a profound dream I had a couple years ago in which I was holding the fin of a killer whale as we rode through currents, leaving our school of killer whales.


I wrote this at the beach today:


A part of me desperately longs for privacy and despises being in public.

When seen, I’ll behave differently.

I forget that I’m brave, the irony in my...appearance.

Is anyone here for good? A play on words.

You don’t realize that I have fallen in love with you for thousands of years.

But I’m weary.

I want change.

The game we play exhausts me.

I’d rather play by myself.

I can’t stand being around people sometimes.

And I think it’s these...people

Tourists

People who only scrape the surface of what life has to offer

People content with fast beauty

Cheap beauty

God knows I’m not cheap

And that’s my longing for something greater

That’s the beauty of not being satisfied

Room for growth

 

...Not all tourists. They remind us how beautiful it is to live here. We can often forget. It's really the consumerism, materialism, and social hierarchy.


What I tend to attract, and fall in love with, is the energy of longing. What good does it do? It does make great poetry. Why would we choose to live a life in which it's hard to love?


I want you to know who I am as well as who you are.


I know I do things to blend in, and many times, if not all times, it’s intentional. But it becomes uncomfortable fitting into external expectation. It's boxing. Naturally, I'm fierce.

Life becomes easy to enjoy when we know who we are.


We can observe first, and then respond.


 

Behind rose-colored lenses are the secrets of our subconsciousness.


I have created this series of self-reflection writings, 'Rose-Colored Lenses', to show how challenging it can be to make inner peace a daily discipline. Our external reality can sometimes be overwhelmingly polarizing. Also, my middle name is Rose, and I wanted to make it punny.


I think that we do ourselves a disservice when we pretend that everything works out for us all the time. Why do we choose to hide our vulnerability, which is beautiful?


Vulnerability is one of my greatest weaknesses. Paradoxically, courage is one of my greatest strengths.


Personally, I am embarking on this series to test, and "check", myself - which I have a habit of doing anyway. I tend to dive head-first into uncomfortable situations, and quite often. But then I get to reap the reward of wisdom from a learned experience.


I hope that my vulnerability helps anyone who may benefit from it.


Authenticity is liberating!

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