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  • Writer's pictureVictoria Quinn

"What did I do today to secure this mindset?"

Rose-Colored Lenses (a Self-Reflection Series)


Holy crap, is it really July?


[Private] The fasting starts tomorrow. I needed a place to charge my phone and computer.


Today has been successful. Mindful purchases. Preparation for acupuncture tomorrow. Nervous and excited. I would like to heal more of my sexual trauma. I’m looking forward to it.


I used to wear this red bucket hat when I was little – constantly and obsessively, like how I used to obsess over the weirdest things. [Private] I wore this bucket hat in remembrance of Ron Weasley who was my favorite character in Harry Potter for quite a while, but also loved Draco Malfoy. Two completely different characters. The good boy and the bad boy, lol.


I remember when I was a child, I used to have a huge crush on one person – and that secret crush would last a year or more – but I would never tell anyone. Subconsciously, and consciously, I was too embarrassed to tell my parents because I remember my mom would make fun of me whenever she’d intuitively sense that I liked someone. It made me feel ashamed to like anyone. Not only that, but she had cut my hair in anger during the stage in my life in which I was trying out girly clothes for the first time. I may have been ten or eleven, right before or after puberty.


Before this moment, I used to not even care to brush my hair - what’s the point? I remember they used to congratulate me when I had some time to spare in the morning, and just decided to brush my hair. I guess they could tell, even when my hair was still in a ponytail.


But around ten, I began to play around with different hairstyles – to include an African-looking braid-like style. [Private]


I remember her lying about the event to a hair stylist, while chuckling. She had said something like, “She was playing around with her hair” or something like that. I was so indoctrinated into being silent around my parents that it didn’t matter to me that she was lying, since I still had instilled shame for just being. Just being.


How far and deep does the rabbit hole go? How much more do I need to shed? When can the trauma shedding just be over?


My inner child is begging for this. She wants to live freely. I feel like I’m already there, in a sense. [Private] The trauma around puberty hurts pretty significantly, though. This is where I should have been getting comfortable growing into a young woman.


I used to avoid eye contact with underwear at JCPenney’s and Macey’s as a kid while my other sisters used to exclaim about wanting to “grow boobies”. I definitely was a dude in a past lifetime. [Private]


“You don’t know the half of the abuse” lyric, song playing now. Trust issues, you’re telling me.


I love the rain. It’s replenishing. Cleansing. I love this mindset. What did I do today to secure this mindset?


Listened to what my heart wanted, but acting on reason and not impulse. Purchasing high-quality items. Connecting with the locals. Smiling. Taking my time. Checking on my energy. Feeling like I’ve made progress. Stretched, breathed, meditated, reflected, slept to my satisfaction. Left the house when I was getting the scared, numbing urge to stay home in guilt of something which was someone else’s projection. People should feel free to leave the house whenever they feel like it, and not be guilt-tripped. [Private]


I have the key to my own cell. We can let ourselves out.


A black cat just passed by across my table, haha. A man at a leather shop had a black cat who came out midway of my shopping.


Life is so abundant. Thankful. Satisfied.


Oh man, let's hope I don't regret posting this publicly tomorrow. People laughing in another room of the restaurant. Lol. Why do I even care? You are all me. Face it. Face me. Bring it on. I love getting to know you.


 

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