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  • Writer's pictureVictoria Quinn

"It's the whole point of christ consciousness. Christ embodiment."

Rose-Colored Lenses (a Self-Reflection Series)


(Trigger warning for this post: violence, abuse)


The child of me is super excited for it, and the adult of me is nervous about it. Balancing these energies.


Clues and Guidance: Cupcake. Annie the musical. Mulan. Stitch. Boundaries. Diving timing. Trust. Devotion. Panther. Religion inside spirituality inside consciousness. Five layers of consciousness. Bliss body connection with emotional body. Power rangers team. Wizard of Oz. Peter Pan. Twin towers. Witch. Past life regression. Superpowers.


The times I manifested, I already knew it would happen before it did - a play, speech contest, art contest, etc. The times in which I was disappointed with results were due to the influence of my parents. The key is to not opting into belief systems which are not conducive to one's growth. Our inner child is the guardian of our superpowers.


As a child, I was naturally super confident. Before trauma could settle in fully, I basically lived as if I ran the world.


My inclination to experience rapid, heightened nervous tension, paired with the tendency to hold my breath unconsciously, comes from years of violence. This is the most difficult thing for me personally to work on. Part of me tries to pretend like it didn't happen. Another part of me pretends like I'm fully healed from it, when it's layers upon layers of healing. I know that this is what I'm being called to go deep with.


Whenever this nervous energy comes about, it forces me to look at it square in the face. If nothing else could silence me as a child, physical harm became the option. And it was often. I used to get my head slammed into the wall whenever I talked back, which may explain the short-term memory loss. Funny that Dory was my high school class mascot.


I'm thankful to have been the outlet for my parents who did not know how to manage the financial and emotional stress of being parents. They were, and are, my greatest challenges, the tests from which I passed to come into unconditional love. They already know that I have forgiven them in my own heart because I told them so. But they still deny some parts, which means that they have not fully forgiven themselves. I'm coming to accept that they may never come into their own acceptance.


The vast majority of arguments was me demanding that I should be treated better, and that they are not treating me as fairly as they are treating the other sisters. The parents relied on the older sister to be responsible, so she tattle-taled on me often. The younger sister learned that, if she could push my buttons enough for me to react, she could run to the parents and get me in trouble. The concerning thing is that she usually did that with a smile on her face. You know you're living in a toxic environment when your younger sister plots your punishment for her own amusement.


I'm not kidding when I tell you that I was mostly alone and in my room. I learned to be an expert at silent-crying.


I'm coming to accept that my family may never truly know how damaging the abuse was. Choosing to realize this would mean that they would have to relook at the years of narrative that they've constructed for themselves. Most people aren't willing to do that.


We can't be shy around this topic if we want to continue on this spiritual journey. This is what's holding many people back from their greatest potential.


Hatred, jealousy, judgment, disdain - they're all still forms of love. Distorted, but the indicator of love is passion. I know that my family loves me as I love them. And, they can play out Jesus (Yeshua) in their lives, too. It's the whole point of christ consciousness. Christ embodiment.


What truly is important is who we choose to surround ourselves with - the people who support us as we evolve, and who may even come with us, or are on a similar path.


I enjoy being around people who recognize the christ within themselves as they recognize the christ within me, as I recognize the christ within myself.


This nervousness does not feel like mine. I'm picking up on other people's energies. I'm hearing a few names. Two winks.


Be okay with being around people with different vocations. Are they in their heart, or not? That is the distinction. Break mental constructs.


I have only been drinking liquids today, with the exception of a fourth of a raw, white onion. White onions taste rather good raw.


I am going to continue practicing to listen to my inner child.


While writing this, I felt like a heavy hand was grasping my heart, but it's now gone.


 

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